This post is one reason I was considering going private.

This post is very hard for me to write. In fact, as the title of the post says, this post is exactly why I was considering taking my blog private, I just don't know how I feel about putting something like OUT THERE in cyberspace for the whole world to see.

I have been considering writing this for a long time, but I never truly felt ready to have this known by my friends and family for fear of judgment or ridicule. I guess I am at a point now where I feel comfortable enough in my own skin to open up a little.

Just get on with it you must be saying....gee whiz this guy likes to go on !

About 6 or 7 years ago I had a real bad bought of insomnia. I mean bad, I was not sleeping for more than 2 or 3 hours a night for probably the whole month of February. I have no idea what caused it, some people just always have trouble sleeping, and that was me, there was no real reason I could put my finger on.

Anyway, for a while it was almost humorous, I would get up after a couple of hours of sleep and "joke" with Julie..."I didn't get any sleep again...this is weird...oh well, no big deal. But as this went on for days, and then weeks I began to worry. Not just plain worry, but obsessive worry. I mean from the moment I would wake in the morning, after a hour or two or good sleep, until it was time to go to bed, I would worry all day long about what the night would bring. I began to dread the night.

I can't hardly explain with mere words how my mind began to become my own worst enemy. After a while, the worry about sleeping would morph into other worry's, all of which were pretty stupid. Would I ever sleep again, would I have to live the rest of my life like this...and on and on. I even began to have panic attacks, and if anyone has ever had one, you know exactly what I am talking about...if you have never had one, pray you don't, cause it is scary.

Anyway, this went on for a while, and I was hardly able to function. I would go throughout my day and try to hide it as best I could, but the worry and anxiety was never far from my mind. I was not enjoying life at all. I remember New Years eve 1999, I was at a friends house and instead of having a good time, or even worrying about the year 2000 like everyone else was, I was obsessing about going to bed that night and having to face another 8 hours alone and awake. I began to hate even the sight of our bedroom.

Long story short, I finally agreed to see someone at Pine Rest, a counselor. It was a huge step for me, cause I did not want to be labeled as a nut. I fought it for a long time, but I was not getting any better, in fact I was worse. There were more worry's and fears that began to be issues. Many were things that I had dealt with before, just not this bad. Many of these thoughts were related to religion and my relationship with God, fears of rejection, assurance of salvation, etc. These were and remain the most troubling to me cause of my deep desire to have a personal relationship with him.

I saw the counselor and after a VERY SHORT time of describing my symptoms, she told me that she was sure I was suffering form Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I had always thought that people with OCD were always washing their hands, hording stuff, counting, avoiding cracks in the sidewalk, etc. I learned that there are two forms of OCD, obsessions people and compulsions people. Sometimes people had both and sometimes they had one of the other. I had the obsession type. Unwanted and intrusive thoughts would pop into my head and would be unable to let go of them. It it called the doubting disease for short, or the worrying disorder.

I was very relieved to finally after like 26 years begin to put some of these things together. Once I read about the symptoms, I was able to look back and I realized that I had this for AS LONG as I could remember. I have always been a terrible worrier. When I was a kid, and my folks went away for an hour or two, my Grandma Boeve would watch me, I would literly not leave the front window until they came home. I worrying that all kinds of things would happen to them. Now this in itself is a perfect example of OCD. Many kids worry when their parents go away, they don't like it, but they are able to navigate that and after 5 or ten minutes, they forget about it and play or whatever. But someone with OCD is unable to make that transition, I would not leave that window for 4 hours, every car that came down the road would have to be my folks, and when it wasn't them, I would freak out a little, they must be in an accident, or they must have left me, etc. In fact, this is only one example of an obsession, there were many more which I won't go into cause you DO NOT need to know everything.

So there you have it. I have OCD. Judge me if you like, it is an anxiety disorder and it is mental. There is nothing I can do about it, I was likely born with some kind of chemical imbalance that causes it. Click on the wikipedia link I linked to in the title of the post of you want to read more about it, it's really a pretty interesting read. There are actually many famous people that have OCD or are believed to have had it, the most interesting to me personally is Martin Luther.

I don't have OCD as bad as many people, and I am worse than some people, but I have learned to live with it. I do take medication that pretty much keeps it in check, but from time to time I have a minor bought of it. It's a lot better than it was however, and for that I am greatful to God.

I hope this does not change the way my true friends and family view me, my intent in writing this to maybe encourage someone else with a similar problem to get some help, cause God did not mean for anyone to suffer something like this alone. There does tend to be a stigma on many forms of mental illnesses yet, so it is hard for people to admit to others that they suffer from something like this.

Just for your information, here is a list of well known people with OCD.

• David Beckham
• Rose McGowan
• Dan Ackroyd
• Aaron Bagnola
• Fred Durst
• Tim Howard
• Charlie Sheen
• Howard Hughes
• Joey Ramone
• Marc Summers
• Leonardo DiCaprio
• Michael Jackson
• Howie Mandel
• Harrison Ford
• Cameron Diaz
• Jessica Alba
• Billy Bob Thornton
• Howie Mandel
• Alec Baldwin
• Jennifer Love Hewitt
• Paul Gascoigne
• Jane Horrocks
• Natalie Appleton
• Woody Allen
• Martin Luther (believed)
• Nikola Tesla
• Abraham Lincoln